Sorrow and Gratitude

Today at 4:30 in the morning I heard a knock on our door. I thought it was a dream but my dogs were barking. I told Mike and he got up, by then we could hear somebody desperately knocking on the door. Mike went down the stairs and opened the door, I did not hear very well but then he came back running to grab his phone and I heard him saying that our next door neighbor thought he had suffocated his baby. In less than a second I was awake and ready to go down too, but Mike told me it was better if I did not see it. We live in a town home and we share a wall with our neighbors and even though we never hear a noise from them the dad was screaming so loud I could hear him from my room. Mike called 911 and the operator gave him instructions on how to perform CPR on a baby less than a month old. The ambulance got here 10 minutes later. The screams stopped for maybe 5 minutes and then I heard something I will never forget, the screams of a father that had lost a little piece of him. For some reason the mother was not in the house. A little bit later Mike came home and just nodded, letting me know that the baby was not in this world anymore. Maybe it is because I have a baby; maybe it is because I am pregnant and emotional or maybe because nobody, NOBODY deserves to lose a child in such a tragic and unexpected way, but I have never felt more sorrow and pain for someone I barely know. At noon the mom came home and when I heard her scream for hours my heart broke in a million pieces for a second time today, and this time it hurts even more because I know that she was not here, I know she didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to her beautiful little girl, she didn’t have a chance to hug her and smell her and feel her one more time. I know our father in heaven loves us as much as we love our children and I know that even though we don’t understand his reasons right now He know why we need to go through this trials and tribulations. I realize now that my faith is not as strong as I thought because even though I know that He has never left that family alone I feel a little bit mad and frustrated.

Two days ago during thanks giving dinner at my husband’s parents’ house Mike’s siblings were giving us basic instruction on how to perform CPR on babies. Who would have known that in less than two days mu husband was going to have to face something like this. It has been a very difficult day, police interrogating Mike and I suppose the baby’s father too. A detective came to our house today to take Mike’s statement and told him that there was nothing else Mike could have done for the little girl. It looks like the baby was gone before he even got there, which makes me feel so proud of him because even knowing that the baby was probably gone he kept trying because the dad was in front of him and he didn’t want him to feel like he was giving up on the baby.

Today we have kissed, hugged, and spoiled our baby Lisa more than ever because we realize that  we have no warranty we are going to see her tomorrow. We have also learned a valuable lesson about safety and the dangers of sleeping with babies. I know a lot of you might think that that could never happen to you, but I assure you that is more common that we know and that it can happen to the best parents, including mothers.

Today more than ever I thank my heavenly father for the blessing we have to be able to see our beautiful baby Lisa wake up every morning and I ask Him strength and peace for those parents who have lost so much today.

Lisa's First Birthday celebration

Well I was kind of sad that nobody was around to celebrate Lisa's first birthday with us so I decided to do something special for her. Photographers here are so expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive charge you like 125 dollars per digital file. I thought it was ridiculous. However, I did find a lady that does this as a hobby and the gives you the digital files with the price of the session. One of the hardest things that I have to deal with here is that the culture is very different. I do pretty well, I have had the ability to assimilate and adapt to the culture, but it is still hard when things that are important to me are not so important for Mike. Not because he doesn't care but because he doesn't understand why.
Birthdays and special occasions are one. The first birthday of your child is one of the most important things ever in Mexico. People go to great lengths to make sure that this day does not go unnoticed, to the contrary we are used to big celebrations. I still remember when I realized that here babies get a little homemade cake and that is it. Again, don't get me wrong I don't think that's bad. it i just not what I am accustomed to. Anyway, I don't think I need to justify it I just thought it was an interesting thing to note.
Here are our favorite pictures. In the first one she looks a lot like Mike, especially that smile

Did you think I was going to leave my other child out of the pictures?

Routine

Well, this was one of those weeks where I really didn't do much. Mike has gone back to work and was back home at a reasonable time every day, that would be 7:30 pm. He is going back to school tomorrow, so now he will be home after 9, fun fun. I know we usually share happy time and stuff like that in our blogs; however, since this is like a diary it can't be all happiness, right?
I have been struggling. It has been happening for quite a while and I have tried to stay positive. I am well aware of how blessed I am. I read my scriptures, I go to my church meetings, I serve as the RS meetings committee chair, I enjoy time with my baby an my husband,I try to draw closer to my savior, I serve my family and yet sometimes I still fell this shadow over me. For several months I have been going to the doctor trying to adjust my thyroid medicine dose in hopes that that might be the reason, or at least some of the reason of my mood. When I went back for my check up after Lisa's birth the doctor told me he thought I was suffering from postpartum depression, and I just dismissed it saying that ALL moms struggle and I was no different. It hasn't gone away. You see my mom has suffered form depression since I have a memory, and I hated when she was on anti depressants because she wasn't herself. So I guess that I didn't want to accept that I might have a similar problem because I always thought you should be stronger than your mind. I thought that if you do what you are supposed to do then you SHOULD be happy, and I keep trying to do everything on the check list and I still feel so overwhelmed by sorrow. I had never written anything like this because I keep it tucked away trying not to hurt others. When my mom was sick I felt horrible, I remember telling her to please get up because she was making us sad, and I guess that is why I never share how I feel with anyone I don't want people feeling sorry for me, nor do I want people who are less fortunate to thing that I am ungrateful. So I hope that writing this helps a bit. Both the gynecologist and my family doctor have recommended antidepressants, but I soon as I told Mike he said he didn't want me to be on those. He said that he rather solve "the problem" by helping me change my routine and the thing that are making me unhappy. It is hard not to drive in Atlanta, you can't do much if you don't drive. Its not like in Utah that your neighbors are almost all members. So I feel far away from everyone and lately I have been feeling so guilty because my baby doesn't see anybody. We live in a place where everyone works, there is no moms close by. Another thing that I know is not good but I can't help is that I hate to inconvenience people. My visiting teachers are wonderful and they always offering me to drive me places, but they both have two young kids that probably have schedules and I just can't bring myself to ask them to grab their kids and come pick me up. I have been driving a lot, but I am so nervous that Mike gets really frustrated with me, then I get frustrated and it just doesn't go very well. So driving is one of the thing Mike suggested to change right away so I can do things on my own, but I know that is not all.There is my school situation, and that is something that I need to overcome. When Mike and I were dating I felt so much pressure to move to Utah. I remember telling him that I wanted to finish school before I left, and he kept telling me that I could finish here, that I was probably going to have to re-validate my classes, that it was going to be better to have a degree form a U.S. university, and don't get me wrong I know he just wanted for us to be together so we could figure if we really wanted to be together. He didn't put a gun to my head and made me leave school half way through. Its just that what we thought would happen just didn't, and I struggle with that decision every day when I am trying to get my school in Mexico to send my credits to the company that is going to translate them and they just don't want to help. I don't know why. Yet it I hadn't taken that decision who know is I would have my precious baby, or the family I have, so many things. I MISS. I miss everyone, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends in Mexico, I miss Mike's family, all of them I just miss and that is inevitable no matter where I am, I am always going to miss someone.
I really don't want this post to be sad. I don't want you to feel sorry for poor Diana, whose life is so hard. It is not. I think we all go through some dark periods and this is mine. I do wonder if I am being prideful about taking medicine. Both doctor have told me they could give me something that is not addictive ans that would not change my personality or keep me drugged in a bad way, I just don't like the idea but I know I need help because is not fair to my family. If you are not happy how can you be the best mom or the best wife? I feel bad because no husband wants to come home to find a cranky wife and believe me you don't know how I look and sound when I have so much frustration built up. I also think I need to help myself, and I try. The first thing is my driving, my hands sweat the whole time and I feel this sickening feeling in my stomach, my heart is pounding so hard that I feel like is going to jump out of my chest. I feel like crying every time I get in the car. But I know I owe it to myself and to my baby who has to see the world, she can't just sat with her mom inside a house 24 hours a day.
The reason I am writing is also because I was talking to somebody and she was telling this sister that as long as she did everything on that check list (praying, read scriptures, got o church, and so on) then she should find peace. When she was talking all I could thing was but why even if I do all of it I still feel so sad?
I am so very grateful for all the thing that have been given to me, I truly am. I know my burdens not as heavy as that of others. Please know that I know how blessed I am.
I visit teach a lady who had a very rough childhood, she received a call to go on a mission and 7 weeks before she went into the MTC her dad died in a car accident. She still went to the MTC and eventually to her mission, she struggled, she had panic attacks and nightmares. She felt like she wasn't the missionary she needed to be and decided to return home early. When she went back to her ward her bishop told her that she was selfish and asked her to leave the ward. She adopted her biological niece out of foster care, and you know that children don't end up there because of great parents. This child had been abused, and she took her upon herself to give her a good home, even though she was young and single. They both still struggle and every time I visit her and she is telling me and my companion of of her issues the first thing I think is telling her to do the things on the check list. Then I stop myself, because I haven't figured it out myself what else could I be doing.
I am most blessed. I hope I can be strong and I can shake this darkness off of me soon. I love my family and my Heavenly Father. I know He knows me by name, I know that He knows what I keep in my heart and I know that He will never, ever leave me alone. I am never alone.

Good thing it is just the spatula drawer

Today at church Lisa wanted the bag full of Cheerios. I didn't want to give it to her but then she started screaming bloody murder and I let goo of the bag. Well, I need no words. Cheerios ended up inside my shoe too.

I was talking to Mike on the phone an when I turned around this is what I found. If you can't tell int he background are the contents of my wallet.

Birthday, Vacation, Dog Treats

.Lisa loved her first cake. We also had some pictures taken by a photographer. Hopefully she got some, Lisa is almost impossible to work with because she doesn't stop moving around and getting into places.

Playing with the birthday card Aunt Sarah sent. Thank you

The one time I wasn't riding with Lisa in the back. Mike asked me if I gave Lisa something to eat, I said no. Then what is she chewing? We had taken Ella to dogie school and I had her treats in the diaper bag. Lisa got a hold of them, opened the bag and started eating them. She had a mouth full when we realized what she was doing.

A free class in Gymboree, we can't afford the monthly payments, but it was fun to try

The Black Widow Replacement

Mike took a week of vacation this last week. It was very nice to have somebody else to watch Baby Lisa. It’s all over now.  For the past two weeks we had been looking for cars. This time around Mike was extra cautious about buying it though. Mike and I are so different in so many ways that sometimes it is challenging to reach an agreement, on pretty much everything. I am sure there is a lot more than different tastes, and I guess is understandable since we come from totally different places, cultures, and costumes. I don’t know if it was a “new mom” thing, but I like to ride with Lisa in the back of the car. Black widow was so small in the back that there wasn't much space between the front and back seats, so the car seat was tight upward. I am not sure how to explain it, but the thing is that Lisa’s head would always fall forward no matter how much I adjusted the angle of the car seat so I felt the need to make sure her head was up at all times. That, the fact that it was a pain getting in and out of the car, and the no air conditioning made riding the black widow such a miserable experience.  I remember Mike telling me when he just bought it that he was going to drive Black widow until it died, and he did. Since I know my husband much better now I knew that the car we were going to get was going to be driven until its last breath. So I was very picky when choosing a car. I wanted a car that had no space problems, he wanted a hatchback. I was willing to consider one until we drove one and I realized how small they are in the back seat. I am 5 feet tall and my knees were against the seat (I made it a point to ride in front and in the back of each car we test drove) so hatchbacks were out of my list. Mike’s number 1 priority while getting the car was the miles per gallon number, which eliminated some of the car I was considering. We have had 3 long weeks looking for cars. The only thing we agree on is the color, we both love black cars. He also set up a really tight budget, he told me that I was to look only for the cars within the budget, not ONE penny more, his words. We wanted to stay within a certain number for the payment so it was actually a good thing to have in mind. We knew that Hyundai cars not only have very good MPG, but also they offer a very good warranty. We looked at the Elantra and we really liked it, but the back wasn't as big as I wanted, so we moved onto the Sonata, which is perfect. If Mike can have his seat all the way back and Lisa’s car seat fits perfectly that’s the car I want. Soon I found out that Sonatas are not within the price we wanted to pay so we started looking at different cars. One day Mike found a Black sonata within our price range, I was so excited. We went to see it, it even had GPS, we went to see it that day and we both loved it. The next day Mike told the sales man that we were going to buy it but that we wanted to have the car checked by a mechanic. It was a Honda dealership, so Mike found a Hyundai dealership close enough so the mechanics there could take a look at the car. When we dropped the car off we went inside the dealerships and asked them if they had a car to match the one we had found. The Hyundai guy started looking in his computer and then excused himself and went to talk to another guy, when he came back he shook Mike’s hand and told him that he had some well because there was no way he could match the deal we had found. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves. When we got out of his office another sales man came to us and congratulated us again. By the way the Car Fax for the car was clean. We went to the back to wait for the car when the mechanic called mike to the back of the shop. I thought that they had found something but since the car fax thing was “clean” I didn't think much of it. When Mike came back he told me that the mechanics had the car on the lift and that they had showed him that the frame of the car was bent. Not such a good deal after all. I was bumped, but at the same time proud of Mike for being careful and having taken the car to be seeing by people who deal with Hyundai car on a  daily basis. A week before we were in a different Hyundai dealership looking at the Elantra, and while there we met our favorite sales man of all time. His name is Fred and he was so nice to us. He did try to get Mike into leasing a car and also buying a new car, but we really liked him. After our black sonata deal fell through I went online and was specifically looking at the cars that were in Fred’s dealership. I found one Sonata that was one thousand dollars over our budget. I knew Mike was inflexible on the budget but I still asked. He told me that if I wanted that car I had to work for it. He told me to call Fred and negotiate the price. I though he was crazy, I am not that tough. Although I felt very insecure I thought I couldn't lose anything by trying, so I called Fred. I told him our situation and that Mike was not going to agree if the car was 1000 dollars over our budget, he talked to his boss and after 10 minutes talking back and forth they agree to reduce the price by 300. Not much I thought. I went back to Mike and he said no. I understood, it wasn't like I was demanding to spend more money,after all I know nothing about cars and I didnt want to pay more every month but I felt like it was a good deal, the car looked better than the one we were going to buy, with less miles, and we could get a warranty since it was from Hyundai. I told Fred the news and he asked to speak to Mike. Long story short, Fred convinced Mike to go see the car that same day. When he came back he told me he loved the car (I didn't go because Lisa was already in bed), he said it was much nicer that the one we were going to buy, it looks like the previous owner was very careful, the car is well kept and nice. Mike is a very good buyer, he took forever to close the deal because he kept asking for things, at the end they gave him an extended warranty so now the car is covered up to 100 000 miles.

So we did end up paying 700 dollars more than we wanted, but I thing is worth it. I can’t even believe I have air conditioning, or that the car doesn't announce our arrival with its squeakiness, I can’t believe Lisa’s head is dry when I get her out of the car. I am so grateful I listen to my husband even though sometimes I don’t agree with his decisions. Last year we were having a disagreement about renting. My idea was to rent until we found a home that we both liked. His idea was to buy something while the houses were going for so cheap. He kept telling me that he didn't want to rent anymore. I didn't want to buy something because I loved our apartment and I knew we could afford something in the area I wanted (even though we did found something) I just didn't want to buy something just to buy something. Our mortgage is almost 400 dollars less than what we were paying for rent, and if we were still renting there is no way we could have been able to have a car payment (which is not 400 thank goodness). We are doing well. I am grateful that my husband is much smarter with money than I, and that we are both making right decisions. When he brought the car home he told Lisa “Happy 16^th birthday”, so I know for sure he is planning to keep this car until it dies, just like black widow.

Is not black, but we still love it

I have been driving a lot lately. Maybe black widow wasn't encouraging to drive. I am getting better. I still think I need professional classes, but I am felling good. I actually drove to Lisa's free Gymboree class, which is on the same road we live in. No turns though, but I at least I went out of parking lots for the first time

My breastfeeding journey

These are my views on breastfeeding.When I was pregnant I started reading about breastfeeding, I was amazed by the facts that most moms ignore nowadays. Like the fact that exclusively breastfeeding for the first 6 months  promotes optimal early childhood brain development, and that breastfed babies do better when they reach kindergarten and as they progress through school, and they score higher on IQ tests (Can't remember where I read it, but it was a credible source). Obviously, formula fed babies are smart too, I am not saying the opposite, and I also know that breastfed babies sometimes do worst than formula babies, but just in case I wanted to make sure I did every thing I could to breastfed Lisa as long as I could. I also get the sense that a lot of moms think that breastfeeding is old school somehow; they prefer to prepare a bottle for their babies. So with my new found knowledge I pledged that I would only give the best to my baby, and cliché or not breastfeeding IS THE BEST. Mike and I attended a breastfeeding class and learned a whole lot more. We came out of the class determined we were going to make it work. The instructor said that sometimes breastfeeding is painful the first days, but that if you did your best to have your baby latched correctly then you would not have to hurt (which by the way is not true, you CAN hurt even if your latch is fine). That was the first time I heard that breastfeeding might be painful. Then I talked to Mike’s mom Sherrie and she told me that is was VERY painful at first, then his sister Crystal told me the same. It wasn't until the second day of nursing Lisa that I realized how painful it really was. Lisa was born on a Tuesday and by Friday my nipples were bleeding so bad that the nursing pads were stained with blood. I wanted to quit, I thought that even though I wanted the best for my baby maybe the best for my baby was to have a sane mother. However, my loved ones wouldn't let me quit, and I am grateful for them. Mike, my mom, and my mother in-law kept telling me that the pain was going to go away. The pain did go away, but I hated the first three months of breastfeeding. However, I could see the difference between my baby and babies that were formula fed, even babies who were supplemented with formula. I will never judge a mom who is not physically able to breastfeed for giving her baby formula, if you can't you can't and nobody should judge you because of that, but I will be very disappointed with myself if I know that I am able to do it and I chose not to do it for reasons that would only benefit me and not my baby. After all when you feed your baby formula you don't have to worry about dieting, what you wear, or even you being the one getting up every single time. I remember one day that I thought I couldn't handle the pain anymore, when Mike got home I told him that I was going to give Lisa some formula because I didn't want to nurse anymore. He asked me what the benefits of formula would be for Lisa and I couldn't answer. I realized that formula feeding would only benefit me, and it felt horrible to be that way after I had promised to give her only the best. So I continued nursing although I wasn't very happy. Breastfeeding is so consuming, it takes time and patience, and in the first three months I never felt that bond that all moms talk about, I felt like it was just another sacrifice of being a mother. To add to all the cons I have always had a hard time losing weight, the only effective way for me is near starvation, which you can’t do while you are breastfeeding. And then all of the sudden it all stopped, no more pain or resentment anymore. By the time we went to Utah for thanksgiving I felt like a pro. I then could say all the good things about breastfeeding, that it is the best gift you could give your child, and yourself. I might not have all the facts at hand, and maybe my experience does not reflect that of every single mom, but I know that my baby will benefit from it throughout her life. I don’t even have a problem nursing in public; I have never done it without a cover, but I nurse whenever and wherever my bay is hungry. Today I can say that I successfully and exclusively breastfed Lisa for the first 6 months of her life and that today I still breastfeed her 3 times a day. I have to admit that I look forward to wean her completely, but I am in no hurry. She is less interested every day now that she gets more milk from her zippy cup. I actually miss the quiet moments; I miss the bond that all moms talk about because I know how powerful it is. I miss the way they look after their tummy is full of mom’s milk. Breastfeeding has given me a sense of accomplishment that I don’t get even with my perfect grades at school. It is empowering to know that my body is able to sustain another human being for at least six months or more, and that the benefits of it go beyond what we can explain. I know now that even working mothers are able to exclusively breastfeed their babies and I respect them even more. Lastly, one of the things that I love about breastfeeding is that we never spent a cent on formula. Breastfeeding might not be free, my time has value, but it is very cheap compared to formula feeding.I do not have pictures of me nursing now that I think about it, I wish I had. These are pictures of Lisa right after nursing.

I also miss the sweet smelling poop.I thought her diaper were bad, but then at 6 months when she started solids I realized I had no idea.

At the end it doesn't really matter how you feed your baby as long as you do it having in mind the best for them. I was reading this article yesterday since this week is Breastfeeding Week. I loved it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kim-simon/milk-drunk-breastfeeding_b_3494130.html?ref=topbar