Lisa's First Birthday celebration

Well I was kind of sad that nobody was around to celebrate Lisa's first birthday with us so I decided to do something special for her. Photographers here are so expensive, and the ones that are not too expensive charge you like 125 dollars per digital file. I thought it was ridiculous. However, I did find a lady that does this as a hobby and the gives you the digital files with the price of the session. One of the hardest things that I have to deal with here is that the culture is very different. I do pretty well, I have had the ability to assimilate and adapt to the culture, but it is still hard when things that are important to me are not so important for Mike. Not because he doesn't care but because he doesn't understand why.
Birthdays and special occasions are one. The first birthday of your child is one of the most important things ever in Mexico. People go to great lengths to make sure that this day does not go unnoticed, to the contrary we are used to big celebrations. I still remember when I realized that here babies get a little homemade cake and that is it. Again, don't get me wrong I don't think that's bad. it i just not what I am accustomed to. Anyway, I don't think I need to justify it I just thought it was an interesting thing to note.
Here are our favorite pictures. In the first one she looks a lot like Mike, especially that smile

Did you think I was going to leave my other child out of the pictures?

Routine

Well, this was one of those weeks where I really didn't do much. Mike has gone back to work and was back home at a reasonable time every day, that would be 7:30 pm. He is going back to school tomorrow, so now he will be home after 9, fun fun. I know we usually share happy time and stuff like that in our blogs; however, since this is like a diary it can't be all happiness, right?
I have been struggling. It has been happening for quite a while and I have tried to stay positive. I am well aware of how blessed I am. I read my scriptures, I go to my church meetings, I serve as the RS meetings committee chair, I enjoy time with my baby an my husband,I try to draw closer to my savior, I serve my family and yet sometimes I still fell this shadow over me. For several months I have been going to the doctor trying to adjust my thyroid medicine dose in hopes that that might be the reason, or at least some of the reason of my mood. When I went back for my check up after Lisa's birth the doctor told me he thought I was suffering from postpartum depression, and I just dismissed it saying that ALL moms struggle and I was no different. It hasn't gone away. You see my mom has suffered form depression since I have a memory, and I hated when she was on anti depressants because she wasn't herself. So I guess that I didn't want to accept that I might have a similar problem because I always thought you should be stronger than your mind. I thought that if you do what you are supposed to do then you SHOULD be happy, and I keep trying to do everything on the check list and I still feel so overwhelmed by sorrow. I had never written anything like this because I keep it tucked away trying not to hurt others. When my mom was sick I felt horrible, I remember telling her to please get up because she was making us sad, and I guess that is why I never share how I feel with anyone I don't want people feeling sorry for me, nor do I want people who are less fortunate to thing that I am ungrateful. So I hope that writing this helps a bit. Both the gynecologist and my family doctor have recommended antidepressants, but I soon as I told Mike he said he didn't want me to be on those. He said that he rather solve "the problem" by helping me change my routine and the thing that are making me unhappy. It is hard not to drive in Atlanta, you can't do much if you don't drive. Its not like in Utah that your neighbors are almost all members. So I feel far away from everyone and lately I have been feeling so guilty because my baby doesn't see anybody. We live in a place where everyone works, there is no moms close by. Another thing that I know is not good but I can't help is that I hate to inconvenience people. My visiting teachers are wonderful and they always offering me to drive me places, but they both have two young kids that probably have schedules and I just can't bring myself to ask them to grab their kids and come pick me up. I have been driving a lot, but I am so nervous that Mike gets really frustrated with me, then I get frustrated and it just doesn't go very well. So driving is one of the thing Mike suggested to change right away so I can do things on my own, but I know that is not all.There is my school situation, and that is something that I need to overcome. When Mike and I were dating I felt so much pressure to move to Utah. I remember telling him that I wanted to finish school before I left, and he kept telling me that I could finish here, that I was probably going to have to re-validate my classes, that it was going to be better to have a degree form a U.S. university, and don't get me wrong I know he just wanted for us to be together so we could figure if we really wanted to be together. He didn't put a gun to my head and made me leave school half way through. Its just that what we thought would happen just didn't, and I struggle with that decision every day when I am trying to get my school in Mexico to send my credits to the company that is going to translate them and they just don't want to help. I don't know why. Yet it I hadn't taken that decision who know is I would have my precious baby, or the family I have, so many things. I MISS. I miss everyone, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends in Mexico, I miss Mike's family, all of them I just miss and that is inevitable no matter where I am, I am always going to miss someone.
I really don't want this post to be sad. I don't want you to feel sorry for poor Diana, whose life is so hard. It is not. I think we all go through some dark periods and this is mine. I do wonder if I am being prideful about taking medicine. Both doctor have told me they could give me something that is not addictive ans that would not change my personality or keep me drugged in a bad way, I just don't like the idea but I know I need help because is not fair to my family. If you are not happy how can you be the best mom or the best wife? I feel bad because no husband wants to come home to find a cranky wife and believe me you don't know how I look and sound when I have so much frustration built up. I also think I need to help myself, and I try. The first thing is my driving, my hands sweat the whole time and I feel this sickening feeling in my stomach, my heart is pounding so hard that I feel like is going to jump out of my chest. I feel like crying every time I get in the car. But I know I owe it to myself and to my baby who has to see the world, she can't just sat with her mom inside a house 24 hours a day.
The reason I am writing is also because I was talking to somebody and she was telling this sister that as long as she did everything on that check list (praying, read scriptures, got o church, and so on) then she should find peace. When she was talking all I could thing was but why even if I do all of it I still feel so sad?
I am so very grateful for all the thing that have been given to me, I truly am. I know my burdens not as heavy as that of others. Please know that I know how blessed I am.
I visit teach a lady who had a very rough childhood, she received a call to go on a mission and 7 weeks before she went into the MTC her dad died in a car accident. She still went to the MTC and eventually to her mission, she struggled, she had panic attacks and nightmares. She felt like she wasn't the missionary she needed to be and decided to return home early. When she went back to her ward her bishop told her that she was selfish and asked her to leave the ward. She adopted her biological niece out of foster care, and you know that children don't end up there because of great parents. This child had been abused, and she took her upon herself to give her a good home, even though she was young and single. They both still struggle and every time I visit her and she is telling me and my companion of of her issues the first thing I think is telling her to do the things on the check list. Then I stop myself, because I haven't figured it out myself what else could I be doing.
I am most blessed. I hope I can be strong and I can shake this darkness off of me soon. I love my family and my Heavenly Father. I know He knows me by name, I know that He knows what I keep in my heart and I know that He will never, ever leave me alone. I am never alone.

Good thing it is just the spatula drawer

Today at church Lisa wanted the bag full of Cheerios. I didn't want to give it to her but then she started screaming bloody murder and I let goo of the bag. Well, I need no words. Cheerios ended up inside my shoe too.

I was talking to Mike on the phone an when I turned around this is what I found. If you can't tell int he background are the contents of my wallet.

Birthday, Vacation, Dog Treats

.Lisa loved her first cake. We also had some pictures taken by a photographer. Hopefully she got some, Lisa is almost impossible to work with because she doesn't stop moving around and getting into places.

Playing with the birthday card Aunt Sarah sent. Thank you

The one time I wasn't riding with Lisa in the back. Mike asked me if I gave Lisa something to eat, I said no. Then what is she chewing? We had taken Ella to dogie school and I had her treats in the diaper bag. Lisa got a hold of them, opened the bag and started eating them. She had a mouth full when we realized what she was doing.

A free class in Gymboree, we can't afford the monthly payments, but it was fun to try

The Black Widow Replacement

Mike took a week of vacation this last week. It was very nice to have somebody else to watch Baby Lisa. It’s all over now.  For the past two weeks we had been looking for cars. This time around Mike was extra cautious about buying it though. Mike and I are so different in so many ways that sometimes it is challenging to reach an agreement, on pretty much everything. I am sure there is a lot more than different tastes, and I guess is understandable since we come from totally different places, cultures, and costumes. I don’t know if it was a “new mom” thing, but I like to ride with Lisa in the back of the car. Black widow was so small in the back that there wasn't much space between the front and back seats, so the car seat was tight upward. I am not sure how to explain it, but the thing is that Lisa’s head would always fall forward no matter how much I adjusted the angle of the car seat so I felt the need to make sure her head was up at all times. That, the fact that it was a pain getting in and out of the car, and the no air conditioning made riding the black widow such a miserable experience.  I remember Mike telling me when he just bought it that he was going to drive Black widow until it died, and he did. Since I know my husband much better now I knew that the car we were going to get was going to be driven until its last breath. So I was very picky when choosing a car. I wanted a car that had no space problems, he wanted a hatchback. I was willing to consider one until we drove one and I realized how small they are in the back seat. I am 5 feet tall and my knees were against the seat (I made it a point to ride in front and in the back of each car we test drove) so hatchbacks were out of my list. Mike’s number 1 priority while getting the car was the miles per gallon number, which eliminated some of the car I was considering. We have had 3 long weeks looking for cars. The only thing we agree on is the color, we both love black cars. He also set up a really tight budget, he told me that I was to look only for the cars within the budget, not ONE penny more, his words. We wanted to stay within a certain number for the payment so it was actually a good thing to have in mind. We knew that Hyundai cars not only have very good MPG, but also they offer a very good warranty. We looked at the Elantra and we really liked it, but the back wasn't as big as I wanted, so we moved onto the Sonata, which is perfect. If Mike can have his seat all the way back and Lisa’s car seat fits perfectly that’s the car I want. Soon I found out that Sonatas are not within the price we wanted to pay so we started looking at different cars. One day Mike found a Black sonata within our price range, I was so excited. We went to see it, it even had GPS, we went to see it that day and we both loved it. The next day Mike told the sales man that we were going to buy it but that we wanted to have the car checked by a mechanic. It was a Honda dealership, so Mike found a Hyundai dealership close enough so the mechanics there could take a look at the car. When we dropped the car off we went inside the dealerships and asked them if they had a car to match the one we had found. The Hyundai guy started looking in his computer and then excused himself and went to talk to another guy, when he came back he shook Mike’s hand and told him that he had some well because there was no way he could match the deal we had found. We were feeling pretty good about ourselves. When we got out of his office another sales man came to us and congratulated us again. By the way the Car Fax for the car was clean. We went to the back to wait for the car when the mechanic called mike to the back of the shop. I thought that they had found something but since the car fax thing was “clean” I didn't think much of it. When Mike came back he told me that the mechanics had the car on the lift and that they had showed him that the frame of the car was bent. Not such a good deal after all. I was bumped, but at the same time proud of Mike for being careful and having taken the car to be seeing by people who deal with Hyundai car on a  daily basis. A week before we were in a different Hyundai dealership looking at the Elantra, and while there we met our favorite sales man of all time. His name is Fred and he was so nice to us. He did try to get Mike into leasing a car and also buying a new car, but we really liked him. After our black sonata deal fell through I went online and was specifically looking at the cars that were in Fred’s dealership. I found one Sonata that was one thousand dollars over our budget. I knew Mike was inflexible on the budget but I still asked. He told me that if I wanted that car I had to work for it. He told me to call Fred and negotiate the price. I though he was crazy, I am not that tough. Although I felt very insecure I thought I couldn't lose anything by trying, so I called Fred. I told him our situation and that Mike was not going to agree if the car was 1000 dollars over our budget, he talked to his boss and after 10 minutes talking back and forth they agree to reduce the price by 300. Not much I thought. I went back to Mike and he said no. I understood, it wasn't like I was demanding to spend more money,after all I know nothing about cars and I didnt want to pay more every month but I felt like it was a good deal, the car looked better than the one we were going to buy, with less miles, and we could get a warranty since it was from Hyundai. I told Fred the news and he asked to speak to Mike. Long story short, Fred convinced Mike to go see the car that same day. When he came back he told me he loved the car (I didn't go because Lisa was already in bed), he said it was much nicer that the one we were going to buy, it looks like the previous owner was very careful, the car is well kept and nice. Mike is a very good buyer, he took forever to close the deal because he kept asking for things, at the end they gave him an extended warranty so now the car is covered up to 100 000 miles.

So we did end up paying 700 dollars more than we wanted, but I thing is worth it. I can’t even believe I have air conditioning, or that the car doesn't announce our arrival with its squeakiness, I can’t believe Lisa’s head is dry when I get her out of the car. I am so grateful I listen to my husband even though sometimes I don’t agree with his decisions. Last year we were having a disagreement about renting. My idea was to rent until we found a home that we both liked. His idea was to buy something while the houses were going for so cheap. He kept telling me that he didn't want to rent anymore. I didn't want to buy something because I loved our apartment and I knew we could afford something in the area I wanted (even though we did found something) I just didn't want to buy something just to buy something. Our mortgage is almost 400 dollars less than what we were paying for rent, and if we were still renting there is no way we could have been able to have a car payment (which is not 400 thank goodness). We are doing well. I am grateful that my husband is much smarter with money than I, and that we are both making right decisions. When he brought the car home he told Lisa “Happy 16^th birthday”, so I know for sure he is planning to keep this car until it dies, just like black widow.

Is not black, but we still love it

I have been driving a lot lately. Maybe black widow wasn't encouraging to drive. I am getting better. I still think I need professional classes, but I am felling good. I actually drove to Lisa's free Gymboree class, which is on the same road we live in. No turns though, but I at least I went out of parking lots for the first time