Routine

Well, this was one of those weeks where I really didn't do much. Mike has gone back to work and was back home at a reasonable time every day, that would be 7:30 pm. He is going back to school tomorrow, so now he will be home after 9, fun fun. I know we usually share happy time and stuff like that in our blogs; however, since this is like a diary it can't be all happiness, right?
I have been struggling. It has been happening for quite a while and I have tried to stay positive. I am well aware of how blessed I am. I read my scriptures, I go to my church meetings, I serve as the RS meetings committee chair, I enjoy time with my baby an my husband,I try to draw closer to my savior, I serve my family and yet sometimes I still fell this shadow over me. For several months I have been going to the doctor trying to adjust my thyroid medicine dose in hopes that that might be the reason, or at least some of the reason of my mood. When I went back for my check up after Lisa's birth the doctor told me he thought I was suffering from postpartum depression, and I just dismissed it saying that ALL moms struggle and I was no different. It hasn't gone away. You see my mom has suffered form depression since I have a memory, and I hated when she was on anti depressants because she wasn't herself. So I guess that I didn't want to accept that I might have a similar problem because I always thought you should be stronger than your mind. I thought that if you do what you are supposed to do then you SHOULD be happy, and I keep trying to do everything on the check list and I still feel so overwhelmed by sorrow. I had never written anything like this because I keep it tucked away trying not to hurt others. When my mom was sick I felt horrible, I remember telling her to please get up because she was making us sad, and I guess that is why I never share how I feel with anyone I don't want people feeling sorry for me, nor do I want people who are less fortunate to thing that I am ungrateful. So I hope that writing this helps a bit. Both the gynecologist and my family doctor have recommended antidepressants, but I soon as I told Mike he said he didn't want me to be on those. He said that he rather solve "the problem" by helping me change my routine and the thing that are making me unhappy. It is hard not to drive in Atlanta, you can't do much if you don't drive. Its not like in Utah that your neighbors are almost all members. So I feel far away from everyone and lately I have been feeling so guilty because my baby doesn't see anybody. We live in a place where everyone works, there is no moms close by. Another thing that I know is not good but I can't help is that I hate to inconvenience people. My visiting teachers are wonderful and they always offering me to drive me places, but they both have two young kids that probably have schedules and I just can't bring myself to ask them to grab their kids and come pick me up. I have been driving a lot, but I am so nervous that Mike gets really frustrated with me, then I get frustrated and it just doesn't go very well. So driving is one of the thing Mike suggested to change right away so I can do things on my own, but I know that is not all.There is my school situation, and that is something that I need to overcome. When Mike and I were dating I felt so much pressure to move to Utah. I remember telling him that I wanted to finish school before I left, and he kept telling me that I could finish here, that I was probably going to have to re-validate my classes, that it was going to be better to have a degree form a U.S. university, and don't get me wrong I know he just wanted for us to be together so we could figure if we really wanted to be together. He didn't put a gun to my head and made me leave school half way through. Its just that what we thought would happen just didn't, and I struggle with that decision every day when I am trying to get my school in Mexico to send my credits to the company that is going to translate them and they just don't want to help. I don't know why. Yet it I hadn't taken that decision who know is I would have my precious baby, or the family I have, so many things. I MISS. I miss everyone, my parents, my siblings, my pets, my friends in Mexico, I miss Mike's family, all of them I just miss and that is inevitable no matter where I am, I am always going to miss someone.
I really don't want this post to be sad. I don't want you to feel sorry for poor Diana, whose life is so hard. It is not. I think we all go through some dark periods and this is mine. I do wonder if I am being prideful about taking medicine. Both doctor have told me they could give me something that is not addictive ans that would not change my personality or keep me drugged in a bad way, I just don't like the idea but I know I need help because is not fair to my family. If you are not happy how can you be the best mom or the best wife? I feel bad because no husband wants to come home to find a cranky wife and believe me you don't know how I look and sound when I have so much frustration built up. I also think I need to help myself, and I try. The first thing is my driving, my hands sweat the whole time and I feel this sickening feeling in my stomach, my heart is pounding so hard that I feel like is going to jump out of my chest. I feel like crying every time I get in the car. But I know I owe it to myself and to my baby who has to see the world, she can't just sat with her mom inside a house 24 hours a day.
The reason I am writing is also because I was talking to somebody and she was telling this sister that as long as she did everything on that check list (praying, read scriptures, got o church, and so on) then she should find peace. When she was talking all I could thing was but why even if I do all of it I still feel so sad?
I am so very grateful for all the thing that have been given to me, I truly am. I know my burdens not as heavy as that of others. Please know that I know how blessed I am.
I visit teach a lady who had a very rough childhood, she received a call to go on a mission and 7 weeks before she went into the MTC her dad died in a car accident. She still went to the MTC and eventually to her mission, she struggled, she had panic attacks and nightmares. She felt like she wasn't the missionary she needed to be and decided to return home early. When she went back to her ward her bishop told her that she was selfish and asked her to leave the ward. She adopted her biological niece out of foster care, and you know that children don't end up there because of great parents. This child had been abused, and she took her upon herself to give her a good home, even though she was young and single. They both still struggle and every time I visit her and she is telling me and my companion of of her issues the first thing I think is telling her to do the things on the check list. Then I stop myself, because I haven't figured it out myself what else could I be doing.
I am most blessed. I hope I can be strong and I can shake this darkness off of me soon. I love my family and my Heavenly Father. I know He knows me by name, I know that He knows what I keep in my heart and I know that He will never, ever leave me alone. I am never alone.

Good thing it is just the spatula drawer

Today at church Lisa wanted the bag full of Cheerios. I didn't want to give it to her but then she started screaming bloody murder and I let goo of the bag. Well, I need no words. Cheerios ended up inside my shoe too.

I was talking to Mike on the phone an when I turned around this is what I found. If you can't tell int he background are the contents of my wallet.